I thought I could have trusted you..I really thought I could. After those little words, the major part of my heart died. And you weren't even cheating on me!
I TRUSTED YOU!
I couldn't believe you did it.
I entrusted you, my boyfriend, the person whom I thought I could trust better then I do myself, with a secret and you BETRAYED me.
I hate you.
I am not speaking to you. No wonder you were so sorry all this time.
Well, you better be sorry because I can no longer trust you 100% after this.
I never forget.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Of cold nights and bee sting
Only cartoons can exagerate the truth and logic of every little thing we do in our daily lives. Hei, they are not to blame, it's our own fault for quest of better entertaiment in the world but it still didn't help with the over reaction of a simple yet seemingly meaningful stung I receive from a now, obviously dead flying monstrosity - a bee.
I woke up feeling my mother rustle about and getting ready for work. When I looked up and about to go through my morning rituals of cursing and being gloomy, I saw a huge bumble bee, flying not to far from my face.
Honestly? I didn't know I could move that fast. Running away seemed a logically explanation cause...they all run in the cartoons, right?
My mom thought that she could kill it. So she started swatting the little dare devil with a piece of cloth. She couldn't get a hit so she got ready to work. Little did I know that it was agitated from the little welcome party mom threw at him and decided for his own brand of justice - me.
It didn't hurt. Mom thought I wasn't on the brink of dying so I wasn't sent to the hospital but for the heck of it, I check the internet anyway to see if I should go about writing my will or not.
Koppert.com provided with a good explanation of my current predicament. Looks like I'm class one? Least, I'm not hyperventilating to my doom like I'd expected which greatly saddens me somewhat.
Anyways, since I wasn't about to be dead any moment, a little revenge is forthcoming. I had fun giving it a slow painful death. I know that should have been me but -shrug- sorry, survival of the fittest, I guess.
Other then that, it was a cold night yesterdat. This cough isn't going to let up without a fight. The build up of hymen isn't really enjoyable either. Sniveling and breathing in and out a couple of snot filled air isn't what I would call the best day ever as well.
So I got up and went out. I overheard the adults talking. I found out what they really thought of me. Brought me much joy.
Shivering to a bout of pneumonia is better then hearing that. Sometimes I wonder, which other shoe out there from the other people are going to drop? And they wonder why I'm such an idiotic recluse. No hope for the future. Of why I don't believe in anyone. Of why I can never forgive. Of why I hate the word trust.
People prove me wrong...again...again...and again.
Added to that, I seemed to be a source of misery to many. Heaven knows what I've done to many already.
I'd like to believe I'm no freak but every little thing just point it back right to that fact.
I think I'm better of left to my technologies, facebook, fantasies, porn, sex, lies, and games.
But this is just one of my many cold nights and unlucky days.
It doesn't matter what I think, does it?
Many more are just around the corner, waiting for its shinning opportune moment to be unraveled and buried within my heart for as long as it can take.
I woke up feeling my mother rustle about and getting ready for work. When I looked up and about to go through my morning rituals of cursing and being gloomy, I saw a huge bumble bee, flying not to far from my face.
Honestly? I didn't know I could move that fast. Running away seemed a logically explanation cause...they all run in the cartoons, right?
My mom thought that she could kill it. So she started swatting the little dare devil with a piece of cloth. She couldn't get a hit so she got ready to work. Little did I know that it was agitated from the little welcome party mom threw at him and decided for his own brand of justice - me.
It didn't hurt. Mom thought I wasn't on the brink of dying so I wasn't sent to the hospital but for the heck of it, I check the internet anyway to see if I should go about writing my will or not.
Koppert.com provided with a good explanation of my current predicament. Looks like I'm class one? Least, I'm not hyperventilating to my doom like I'd expected which greatly saddens me somewhat.
Anyways, since I wasn't about to be dead any moment, a little revenge is forthcoming. I had fun giving it a slow painful death. I know that should have been me but -shrug- sorry, survival of the fittest, I guess.
Other then that, it was a cold night yesterdat. This cough isn't going to let up without a fight. The build up of hymen isn't really enjoyable either. Sniveling and breathing in and out a couple of snot filled air isn't what I would call the best day ever as well.
So I got up and went out. I overheard the adults talking. I found out what they really thought of me. Brought me much joy.
Shivering to a bout of pneumonia is better then hearing that. Sometimes I wonder, which other shoe out there from the other people are going to drop? And they wonder why I'm such an idiotic recluse. No hope for the future. Of why I don't believe in anyone. Of why I can never forgive. Of why I hate the word trust.
People prove me wrong...again...again...and again.
Added to that, I seemed to be a source of misery to many. Heaven knows what I've done to many already.
I'd like to believe I'm no freak but every little thing just point it back right to that fact.
I think I'm better of left to my technologies, facebook, fantasies, porn, sex, lies, and games.
But this is just one of my many cold nights and unlucky days.
It doesn't matter what I think, does it?
Many more are just around the corner, waiting for its shinning opportune moment to be unraveled and buried within my heart for as long as it can take.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Big Bro; Little Speech
Sitting down and watching The Nanny on Hallmark while eating a nice cold left over dinner, in walks my brother from work. I was a bit surprised. He doesn't come home early that often but I just shrugged it off. He sat by me and stole the fresh oranges I halved to 6 in a little bowl near my foot.
I shot him a glare which went unnoticed. Nothing much to do, I just continued to dug into my meal when he asked, "Do you always talk to your boyfriend?"
Swallowing a bit too hard, I immediately went into defensive. No, I don't.
Alright, Alright. I do. Honestly, I don't get much attention from men much and his full fascination towards me keeps me intrigue. And he knows how to keep me entertained and hooked like a starved rabbit with a piece of carrot dangling infront of its face. He knows how much to give to keep me in check and knows when to loosen the line so he won't have to suffocate. I really really like him.
"You shouldn't talk to him often," he continued. I mentally rolled my eyes. All this time you were busy with your studies and now you're going to act 'the big brother' part? It's kindda a bit too late for that but I misjudged. He wasn't coming from that angle with his conversation.
"If you talk to him to much, then when you get married, you'll have nothing to talk about. You'll get bored easily," he supplied while continuing to munch on another piece of orange. His sixth. "You should get married quickly."
I know him well enough to pick the underlying meaning: It's just that I fell in love after marriage, sis. There's still so much I don't know about her and it keeps fueling me with love.
I sighed and wish I could tell him that It's different for you, brother. I don't have your courage. And I'm not a man. I want to get married. Heavens, I'm a sex addict. After my first mistake, I wanted more. Ever since I known him, I wished time would move faster already so I can kiss him heatedly and make love to him and show him how much I love him romantically, instead of rubbing myself raw to hentai (sex comic) to get relived from this sexual frustration I'm feeling. Yeah, dirty little mind I have here but it's one of many unsaid discoveries I've discovered.
Anywho, I can't initiate it. I can't demand to him that I want to get married. What will he think? I want to give him freedom to enjoy his bachelorhood before he has to commit himself to anything. I don't want him to regret anything. Besides, he's not like you. He doesn't saves money for the sole purpose of getting married and have kids after he finised studying. He's the type to save it so he could spent it on gadgets or thinggamabob. It'll be a long wait for me, brother. This topic isn't a simple one to get to talking about. And I'm not sure I'm the one he would want to commit to.
I still have a lot to learn and free myself of this prison.
I need a change. I can't be a lazy lion. I need to be attentive and knowledgeable about the world around me.
But how do I do that?
I shot him a glare which went unnoticed. Nothing much to do, I just continued to dug into my meal when he asked, "Do you always talk to your boyfriend?"
Swallowing a bit too hard, I immediately went into defensive. No, I don't.
Alright, Alright. I do. Honestly, I don't get much attention from men much and his full fascination towards me keeps me intrigue. And he knows how to keep me entertained and hooked like a starved rabbit with a piece of carrot dangling infront of its face. He knows how much to give to keep me in check and knows when to loosen the line so he won't have to suffocate. I really really like him.
"You shouldn't talk to him often," he continued. I mentally rolled my eyes. All this time you were busy with your studies and now you're going to act 'the big brother' part? It's kindda a bit too late for that but I misjudged. He wasn't coming from that angle with his conversation.
"If you talk to him to much, then when you get married, you'll have nothing to talk about. You'll get bored easily," he supplied while continuing to munch on another piece of orange. His sixth. "You should get married quickly."
I know him well enough to pick the underlying meaning: It's just that I fell in love after marriage, sis. There's still so much I don't know about her and it keeps fueling me with love.
I sighed and wish I could tell him that It's different for you, brother. I don't have your courage. And I'm not a man. I want to get married. Heavens, I'm a sex addict. After my first mistake, I wanted more. Ever since I known him, I wished time would move faster already so I can kiss him heatedly and make love to him and show him how much I love him romantically, instead of rubbing myself raw to hentai (sex comic) to get relived from this sexual frustration I'm feeling. Yeah, dirty little mind I have here but it's one of many unsaid discoveries I've discovered.
Anywho, I can't initiate it. I can't demand to him that I want to get married. What will he think? I want to give him freedom to enjoy his bachelorhood before he has to commit himself to anything. I don't want him to regret anything. Besides, he's not like you. He doesn't saves money for the sole purpose of getting married and have kids after he finised studying. He's the type to save it so he could spent it on gadgets or thinggamabob. It'll be a long wait for me, brother. This topic isn't a simple one to get to talking about. And I'm not sure I'm the one he would want to commit to.
I still have a lot to learn and free myself of this prison.
I need a change. I can't be a lazy lion. I need to be attentive and knowledgeable about the world around me.
But how do I do that?
About me
I don't know where to begin. I can't exactly nail down what made me me all in one post or just a few words. I'm not that good in expressing myself anyways. What I can say is that I'm one of those person who grew up with problems. Add to that I'm one of those fat nerdy kids with very low self esteem who thinks they don't have friends and lives in their own little safe world. I'm also the one who made a mistake that couldn't be reversed whom also happen to have bad thoughts about every little things that I encounter.
I'm that kind of person.
A caged person.
But I want to change that..and this is my story of the transformation I'll undergo myself and about the things I may discover along the way. Maybe a few friends as well?
I'm that kind of person.
A caged person.
But I want to change that..and this is my story of the transformation I'll undergo myself and about the things I may discover along the way. Maybe a few friends as well?
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